You're there when I close my eyes.

I still remember everything. Every ounce of pain that ever shifted my bones. Every breath that never occurred. I remember how I laid awake for months. And I remember every tear that left my body. The 'Taylor' that used to be, has never made her way back to this body. It's just someone who thought she could be like I was. Back when you were always waiting for me, after school. After practice. In the mornings. On the weekends. You were always there. Just to tell me goodnight. I remember it all.  I remember you, Matty. I remember you. But do you remember me?

I miss you everyday. Some days more than others. Like tonight. This will be a long restless night. The tears overwhelm me. It's been a long time since I've missed you like this. Lately my nights have been more lonely then they've ever been. But it's okay, because I know you're there. Somewhere. You're there.Three years is a very long time. I last spoke to you January 4th, 2008. 1104 days ago. God damn, do I miss texting you during math class and at lunch. Coming home from school and talking to you ALL night. Or waking up extremely early in the morning, just to see that you've left me a sweet "good morning".

Everything is so different without you and with every passing year, my life progresses. I'm not in the best position, at the moment. I have personal issues that I'm working out, within myself. I have school issues. And bad, bad habits that I need to kick more sooner than later. But other than that stuff, my life has been pretty great. I'm traveling a lot more, now that I'm older. Hopefully I'll be making a trip to London soon. I remember when you told me about taking Beth out, to the Ferris Wheel on the Thames, and the river boat ride. I would do that, just to know that maybe, you've sat in the same seat as I would be sitting. Possibly walking the same path that you once walked.

Rob and i don't talk anymore, pretty much at all. I miss him, a lot. And your dad too. I feel like they were my only connections to you and they too left my life. I was hoping to one day, go and meet them both. That would be wonderful. I wish I could say "things feel like it's a big dream". But they don't. This pain, is real. This absence in my heart, is real. You're absence from the world, is not a dream. No nightmare could stir up the amount of feelings that shake my body when i think of you. To sum it all up; I miss you. Every day. Every second. I would kill to have you back. Come visit me in my dreams, please. This is all for now.



See you soon, darling.

I love you, always. 

Saved Words...

    " Matthew Williams wrote:

Taylor believe me when i say this. I WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU your the best thing that's ever happened to me. why do we live so far apart. because i think i might have found the perfect girl. i love you Taylor "

exact words...

words that are two or three years old.

words that still echo in my head.

nobody can replace you.

ever.

So far away.

Two years.....

Two years you've been gone.

104 weeks.

730 days.

That's a long time.

Your pictures is on my wall. I look at it all the time. I wish you were here to see who I've become. To see my accomplishments. I wish you were here to become something more, for yourself. You would've changed the world. You're heart of pure kindness would've changed things. We once had a conversation about how we wouldn't want to go on without being in each others lives. Things have changed. I know you would want me to be happy. To go on. You're my main inspiration. The reason i'm furthering my life. Living life to it's fullest. 

I wrote this a few days ago...

I never asked for complete happiness. I never wanted it. I knew what happiness was, it was two years ago. You were taken from me. I still think you're there, and then reality hits. You're gone.

I've met someone. You'd like him. He makes me as happy as you once did. He treats me how someone should be treated, how girls dream to be treated. I smile, and mean it. I know how it feel to be truly loved now. To be truly in-love. To never want to be apart. It's breathtaking and i'm honestly happy. But there's always been something missing. I finally figured out what it is.

It's you.

I no longer feel you touch my outstretched hand. When I fall, you step back and let him catch me. You let go, you gave me away.. You're gone. Completely gone. 

This was the best thing to do. I can finally be happy with someone and with myself. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for always staying in my heart. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being part of my life.

 But I no longer cry at night. I don't feel pain for you because you don't feel pain anymore. In my heart, you've led me to this place...this is where i'm meant to be. You've driven me into his arms. Thank you, Matty. I just wish you were here to see my smile, and smile with me.

I love you always....